Alternate Title: The Nonsensical Ramblings of an Insane Man

So, just for shiggles, I’m posting up the notes I took while I watched Battleground (the review of which I just posted!).

They were meant to help me write the review, but at some point they turned into a goofy farce, so I thought it might be fun to post them up here, because I dunno, someone might find them entertaining: so here you go!

WWE BATTLEGROUND 2016 NOTES

  • Looks like the women’s tag match is up first- CHARLOTTE & DANA BROOKE vs. SASHA BANKS & ???– remember when the Women’s Championship used to get defended? I doooooooooo.
  • Sasha better win the title at SummerSlam- she is crazy over.
  • IT’S BAAAAAAAAAYLEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! (mine was better, Michael)
  • Goddamn, Charlotte is really buff right now.
  • Based on this reaction, maybe Bayley should be winning the title at SummerSlam
  • Sasha wants Charlotte’s title apparently- that would necessitate it ACTUALLY BEING DEFENDED.
  • Ouch, that head bump Bayley took to the turnbuckle.
  • Dana’s far from amazing in the ring, but her heel work is solid.
  • “Sasha takes out Bayley”- Michael Cole, Local Fuckwit describing CHARLOTTE taking out Bayley.
  • SASHA AND BAYLEY WIN via TAP-OUT– great match, fast paced, women made good use of the little time they got. Right for Sasha and Bayley to go over but….should Charlotte have tapped? And should Bayley have been involved in the win?
  • Off to a good start!
  • NEW DAY vs. WYATT FAMILY is up next.
  • This vignette is fucking awesome.
  • That vignette completely sold me on a feud I haven’t been following at all.
  • Xavier Woods is a main-eventer waiting to be given a shot.
  • Why the fuck did the split the Wyatts up AGAIN? Do they not remember what happened last time they did that?
  • Strowman’s looking thick, cut, and tight (so sorry).
  • Digging the psychology of this match- its almost like people actually fear the Wyatt Family again.
  • Brief technical glitch- almost thought it was part of the match.
  • It’s a little weird that only Xavier seems actually afraid of the Wyatts.
  • “Flotting a swiy”- Michael, seriously dude.
  • Oh no, horrible landing for Big E.
  • WYATTS WIN via PINFALL– Solid match, some slightly messy stuff there- not really sure what the whole angle with Woods being scared is gonna lead to. Wyatts definitely needed that win.
  • LISTEN TO THAT RINGING OVATION FOR ROMAN’S TWEET, GOSH THEY LOVE HIM.
  • US CHAMPIONSHIP- RUSEV vs. RYDER is up.
  • Lana looks like a Disney Princess.
  • RUSEV’S GONNA MATCHKA THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
  • So Rusev believes he’s a bad guy? Huh, would not have called that…
  • Good to see jingoistic patriotism is alive and well in 2016.
  • Ryder looks surprisingly good in this match.
  • That said, Ryder’s jobbed to Rusev like a million times before, sooooooo-
  • RUSEV RETAINS via SUBMISSION- Wow, that was…surprisingly good. They actually made it seem like Ryder had a remote chance, which is better than nothing I suppose. Still hurt by predictability.
  • Oh goody, it’s Mojo. Yaaaaaaaay.
  • SWERVED- the best show of 2002.
  • Channing Tatum, Seth? You’re hunky, but no-one’s that hunky. Except Chris Hemsworth.
  • Boom of babies named “Rollins”? Wouldn’t “Seth” make more sense, being an actual first name? Unless Seth’s gonna father all those babies.
  • SAMI ZAYN vs. KEVIN OWENS up next to steal the show and give me a boner, all in one package (HAH, package).
  • “Let’s end this at Battleground”- no-one ever.
  • Kevin Owens looks like a bear in human form- does that mean he can qualify as my spirit animal?
  • These guys could wrestle for all eternity, and I don’t think any-one would have a problem with it.
  • Kevin Owens: the Master of Chinlocks, coming to take Orton’s crown.
  • Ref: “Do you wanna give up?” KO: (to ref) “HE DOES!” “ Ref: “Wanna give up, Sami?” KO: (to Sami) “YOU DO!”- classic Owens.
  • Oh God no, Sami botched that moonsault bad, I hope to Christ that was a work.
  • Based on the commentary and offense, it’s a work. Phew, that was scary.
  • Owens hits the superkick- the first of 78 to come.
  • Suplex to Owesn on the apron- I think he’s dead. Wait, no, he’s moving.
  • So many paunches.
  • Superkick count up to 2 now.
  • Superkicks at 3 now.
  • Holy shit this match rocks my socks off.
  • THE EMOHSHUNS.
  • SAMI via PINFALL- Sweet zombie Ayatollah, that was fantastic. Sami’s win here means that we’re probably done with this feud now. What a finish, amazing. Calling this as Match of the Night.
  • Welp, the Usos jobbed to Breezango- future endeavours?
  • NATALYA vs. BECKY LYNCH time- it’s the women’s divisions best baby face against its most baffling and unnecessary heel.
  • I seriously love Becky’s whole “steampunk” look- she really is the most striking competitor of all the women.
  • Bayley’s debut was a “one-off” apparently. Sigh.
  • Nattie might be over-doing it slightly on the heel mugging in this match.
  • Blatant eye rake by Nattie- referee’s response- “Eh”.
  • NATTIE WINS via SUBMISSION- Erm, okay. Really, REALLY shocked that becky lost via tap-out, never a good thing to have your faces tap out. Not sure if Nattie going over here was actually the right call, at least not this cleanly.
  • D-Bry, the PASHUN.
  • Oh Dean, how I love you.
  • Orton vs. Lesnar- the battle of one very specific animal against one very broad and non-specific animal.
  • IC CHAMPIONSHIP- DARREN YOUNG VS. THE MIZ up now.
  • Not to dump on this gimmick, but doesn’t someone have to have been great at one point to be great again? Just sayin…
  • And the Miz receives the award for “Most Twattish Outfit”.
  • I’m not sure if Young is actually over or not.
  • Miz is one of the few heels the company has that gets a legitimate heel reaction out of the crowd.
  • OH NO BOB BACKLUND IS TURNING INTO THE HULK!
  • NO CONTEST, I GUESS?- Oh bullshit, what a crap finish. Should have taken a risk and thrown Young the win- on the other hand, he’s sort of over now? I guess?
  • Its seems Darren’s post-match freak-out was well-received- it is too presumptuous of me to hope they can keep this going?
  • THE CLUB vs. JOHN CENA, ENZO & CASS is upon us, time to #BeatUpJohnCena! See, I nose Twittering!
  • John Cena’s entrance always brings out the best in the crowd, as long as “the best” refers to their musical talent.
  • Enzo & Cass are crazy over for a tag team, pretty much the only ones who can rival The New Day.
  • Enzo’s nonsensical trash-talk is Rock-esque levels of over.
  • “Give it up for Enzo, I mean, that was excellent”- Big Cass, saying what we’re all thinking.
  • Do we even need a match after these promos?
  • I find Luke Gallows pants unsettling- they just look awkward on him. I know, I know- VERY RELEVANT to his wrestling.
  • AJ’s really hoping “soccer mum” doesn’t become his new nickname.
  • “OH MAN LOOK AT JOHN CENA, JUST STANDING ON THAT APRON! Oh yeah, and that shit Enzo and Cass are doing is cool too I guess”- Michael Cole, staying focused on the action.
  • Beautiful AA counter by The Phenomenal Mum- er One, I meant.
  • I just realized that everyone was dead at ringside for a while there.
  • Ezno is taking both Gallows and Anderson solo- I think we’re through the Looking Glass people.
  • JOHN CENA, ENZO AND CASS WIN via PINFALL- Great match. Cena winning this one, much as that probably annoys people, makes sense if Cena/Styles at SummerSlam is the plan. Would have been nice if Enzo or Cass picked up the win though.
  • Still not sure why Orton/Lesnar is a big deal- I mean, I know they’ve never really wrestled each other, but its hard to picture anyone being super-pumped about Orton anymore.
  • It would appear its time for THE HIGHLIGHT REEL– hosted by Ellen DeGeneres cosplay enthusiast Chris Jericho.
  • Biggest Highlight Reel in history? Jericho taking a page out of TNA’s hypebook.
  • Y’know, my disinterest in him as a performer aside, it is nice to see Orton again after such a long lay-off: welcome back Snake-Man.
  • Somewhat of a subdued reaction for Orton.
  • Orton actually showing some personality, which is refreshing.
  • Jericho has been fantastic lately with this “Gift of Jericho” shtick.
  • HAH! Orton also called Jericho out for looking like Ellen- you and me bruh, kindred spirits.
  • I like how Jericho talks about being scared of Lesnar as if that’s some kind of ludicrous concept- he’s Brock fucking Lesnar, my bladder weakens just at the thought of being in the same room as him.
  • Ha, yeah, Jericho and Fandango…that actually happened. At Wrestlemania. Jesus Christ.
  • “Viperville” sounds like a Facebook game.
  • “No enhancement needed” SHOTS. FUCKING. FIRED.
  • Really loving Jericho right now- he’s at the top of his smary heel game.
  • Wow, I’m amazed by how much I enjoyed Orton in this segment- dude seems genuinely excited to be back, and it’s the most likable he’s been in years.
  • Fun segment, good little segue into the main event. Speaking of:
  • MANI EVENT TIME! WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- DEAN AMBROSE vs. SETH ROLLINS vs. ROMAN REIGNS. Get yer “Roman Sucks” chants ready!
  • This could have easily have been a Wrestlemania main event, seems wrong to throw it away on Battleground.
  • Mick Foley is out, looking like a homeless lumberjack Santa Claus.
  • Hmmm, I dunno Seth, given the circumstances; silver doesn’t seem like a confidence-inducing color as far as your chances of winning.
  • “Here’s comes Roman, and the crowd’s booing, because they wanted Roman to come out sooner than he did. Yeah, yeah, that’s definitely the reason!”- Vince McMahon.
  • See Seth, Roman’s wearing gold: he ain’t settling for second place. Nor is Creative.
  • Thirty seconds in and the crowd are already chanting “Roman sucks”. Not a patient bunch, are they?
  • Why is Reigns allowed to wear a flak jacket in his matches? I mean when he was in the Shield it was one thing: that fit their aesthetic, now it just seems unfair.
  • “You have to be there to walk out the winner” Geez JBL, are you saying one needs to be in a wrestling match to win it? Well that’s just silly.
  • Seriously, SummerSlam, Westlemania, such a missed opportunity.
  • “Are they saying Boo, or Booman?”- Vinny Mac.
  • “I was saying Booman”- No-one in this arena.
  • Digging how much they’re playing up the value of the title ending up on one brand or the other- this what they need to do to make the Draft mean something.
  • OH MY VARIOUS GODS! DEAN WINS! DEAN WINS! AND HE BEAT ROMAN TO DO IT! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!
  • Oh, yeah AMBROSE WINS via PINFALL, gotta stick to format. Awesome match, and an incredibly crowd-pleasing decision to keep the belt on Dean. Don’t know what the plan for Raw is, but my guess is a second world title.
  • Overall thoughts, pretty good show. While there were really only a couple of stand-out matches, the fact that every other match was at least above average-to-solid meant the really good matches elevated the show as a whole. And for once, there was very little in the way of booking dumbfuckery.
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